He thought of it every morning, afternoon, evening, and night, and in all those hours in between, but every time, he came to the same conclusion.
It was too much of an effort.
Each time he opened the refrigerator to bring out the leftover ham slices, mayonnaise, and the rye bread, he thought of it, but then The Simpsons on the TV would drag him right back to his couch, where he spent the next hour devouring both the sandwich and his favorite program.
On each trip he took to the bathroom he’d see her gown hanging on the over-door hooks, and he was reminded of the chores that awaited him. They had to be done. With each passing moment, they were transforming from important into urgent. And yet it all required that he bent and bending was something that squeezed his roll of stomach fat and put undue pressure on his gut to make him fart, and he hated it.
Oh, how he hated it!
“It’s too much of an effort,” he thought as he took another bite of his sandwich and flipped the channel.
“Oh drat! Better get done with it,” he growled.
Then, for a moment, he savored the sound of his own voice.
“That felt good,” he mumbled, a smile cracking his face. “Good that she isn’t around to badger me.”
He tossed his empty plate on the table and got up.
“I’ve got to finish this chore, or the stench will bring those pesky neighbors to my door,” he grumbled aloud. To be able to say it all aloud was a cathartic experience.
Good that she was gone.
“This time is so wholly, so completely, so totally mine – just miiiine,” he crooned in a nasal singsong voice, swishing his hips sideways, trying to simulate her walk. The black bags were waiting for him in the kitchen – tied at their mouths, ready to be dispatched. They were heavy, about sixty pounds each, but he knew that the bags would hold. They were strong and scented, and he had bought them online from Target, just last week.
“Into the backyard, Tom. Move your ass,” he chided himself, like she would, if only she were around.
“Oh yes. Yes, ma’am. But you aren’t here to oversee me, are you?” he laughed, as he dumped them both into the trash can.
“And now let us do the laundrrry,” he continued in the same singsong voice, as he slammed the door behind him.
He checked the time in the kitchen clock. It was 4 PM already. He had an hour to complete the laundry and vacuum the couch and the carpet for the crumbs.
She would be back from work by five o’clock.
Image Credits/Attribution: Wikimedia Commons
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